Ironic..

standard 6


after the second terminal the teacher gave out the copies..that was the usual rule in my school..I got 90 in english..that had been my usual score..and Manju ma'am was happy with me as usual..I scrolled through the pages of my answersheet..taking delight in the effort that now bore fruits..
"wait.."..I said to myself..and then I recounted..it was 88 not 90..I didn't want to lose those two marks as my rival had got 89..and losing those two marks would mean ..getting defeated..(though it sounds funny now..it was a fircesome fight then..)
somehow I gathered all courage ..went to ma'am and told her that there was a counting mistake..
"Ma'am..it's 88 and not 90"
"let me check.."
ma'am added it up again..looked at me..then took  the red pen in her hands..struck off the marks..and wrote 89..
"but M'a'am its..88"

m'am smiled back at me..and then addressed the whole class.."this girl came down to me to tell that she had been awarded more marks than she deserved..but I am giving her one extra mark for her honesty..does anyone have to say anything against it?

the whole class was silent..whether in applause or criticism..I can't say..






university,1st year..


"My brother's a good student like you..got in engineering at his first chance"..
I blushed at the compliment but trying to be humble..I said.."its nothing like that.."
the guy with my friend however didn't seem to enjoy the compliment..his eyes said he was plotting a taunt ahead..

"so why did you take literature?"
"wasn't good in maths..actually"
"how much did you get in maths in your 10th?"the other guy curiosly asked..

"around about 80"
"in 80..rite?"
"no..in 100"

they both laughed at me..I know it wasn't a good score..but laughing at someone for that wasn't done iether.."never mind" I said to myself.
that evening..the friend sent me a message..that the thing he liked or found noticeable about me was my honesty.






a month ago..

           the results of a particular exam I had appeared for were published..they had us withheld for some particular reason..possibly under some suspect of fraud they could not prove. That I know is something they cannot prove..but I am up with my honesty against a powerful authority..what destiny they decide for me..is still to be seen..but I will fight..no matter what.
..and addressing everyone who have felt that terrible surge of honesty push through their veins..they must be knowing how I feel now..
right now..I am quite unsure of my future..and in-spite of having a fruitful student life..i am facing severe challenges in this deceitful corrupt world..making a place for myself..however..it's not on some divine authority that I rest my faith..I believe my honesty and trust myself..let that take me places..god or bad..hardly matters..for..I can still hear those lines from Eliot's The Dry Salvages ring in my ears..

"At nightfall, in the rigging and the aerial
Is a voice descanting (though not to the ear,
The murmuring shell of time, and not in any language)
'Fare forward, you who think that you are voyaging;
You are not those who saw the harbour
Receding, or those who will disembark,
Here between the hither and the farther shore
While time is withdrawn, consider the future
And the past with an equal mind.
At the moment which is not of action or inaction
You can receive this: "on whatever sphere of being
The mind of man may be intent
At the time of death" - that is the one action
(And the time of death is every moment)
Which shall fructify in the lives of others:
And do not think of the fruit of action.
Fare forward."


It's now I know why I took literature..............................

यातना

यातना एक मुसाफिर है,
जो ना गई अपनाई कहीं।
इस छोर से उस छोर ,
बंध गलियां,टूटे मोड।


कभी कभार मुझसे मिलने आती है,
अनचाही,घ्रिनाबिद्ध है यह रमनी,
और सबको लगता है ये उन्हें सताती है।

अपीरिचित नहीं उसकी कहानी,
तुम मानो या न मानो दोस्त,
वो तुमसे नहीं पराई है।

स्पर्शकातर एक मलीन काया,
ये खुदसे बातें करती है,
अँधेरी रातों में सिसकती आँहो में,
यही तो निखरती उभरती है।

द्वेष,ग्लानी,शय,हानि,
जब आगंतुक हुआ सखा दल।
जग के नातों ने मुह मोड़ा,
साया सी......ये साथ रही मेरे हर पल।

किसी कवि की रचना,
चाहत में डूबा एक इन्सांन,
लाचार थे तुम जब ई वो,
पर...कर गई तुमको बलवान।

झरने की कलरव सी शांत,
रेत के कण सी सम्पूर्ण,
अन्तरंग में बस्ती साथी ये जब,
जीवन होता है परिपूर्ण।

यातना अब मेरी सहेली है,
तो क्या अगर वो क्षणस्थाई है,
अब समझ आया तुम्हे,
क्यों वो..तुमसे भी नहीं पराई है?

SHINNING SOLES.

...the retired old prof. watched the poor old boot polish wala ...[aged somewhat about 60 or above]...everyday..from his well trimmed lawn..where he himself planted some of the best breed of magnolias...
.sitting there...just on the lane opposite to his two-storeyed home.was the ragged figure of d man whose fate had perhaps never shone like d boots he rubbed and bristled and polished...did his best to make them compete with the suns..

..the philanthropic prof felt sad over d aged man's fate..wrote a couple of poems ...got them published...expressed gratitude to the old nigger for his fame through media....

...but ..despite everything ...his sadness seemed to be aggravating with every single passing day...he now could hardly tolerate the pangs of the boot polish wala...n shed tears for him incessantly....
...once he thought of approaching him and asking if he felt sad over his own fate..and also to make him realise how much concerned he was about him.....the day came and he did as he thought...


...the poor old man had hardly time to look up and see whose d one asking polite questions rather than passing orders...
it was monsoon and the biiig named branded shoe companies were best exposed in this time of the year...
there were piles of shoes before him ...and he had to finish his assignment by dusk...

still..he was polite enough to reply to our very own professor...
so...he said..
"you see...babuji...u feel sad over my fate because u have time to...which i don't have.......
besides....
if u really care...
there's one sitting in the by-lane....a child who polishes boots......i guess it will help more if you care for him than me...just make sure you convert your concerns into actions...not words"

EMPTILY FILLED.....

...I had once conceived of scribing a tale with a similar name..."emptily filled"....but ...as usual..it never happened...so...its all the more beautiful...a conception that vanquishes the admiration of the recipient by allowing no incite is more dearer to the artist ...for the artist enjoys the pleasure of having hidden a beauty that resides within her...and that many crave for.....





.....why emptiness??
....because its the most beautiful...what is simplicity if not the void of the avoidable??why's the tomb of the dead so elusive...because its doubly empty.!!!..a semicircle...an attempt of fulfillment[circle]that has never craved for completion...and one that celebrates the absence of a being that once made sense.... !!!why is every girl so proud of her womb[no matter if she has ever experimented with this potential of hers]...because she has a void....fortunately..or unfortunately...this void is capable of creating...and to be honest...most voids are...infact all voids are...what's nearer the truth is...that only voids are capable of creating....


...its the greatest potential...for its nothing but potential....!!!!



..its a journey you are destined for ...alone...and whether you cower to destiny..or defy it...its the same chosen spot you'll reach...better...all will reach....if you have loved this void...you will love it..the beckoning...the sojourn...the effacingly elusive search....if you are trying to create meaning...you will be disillusioned ...for there's actually no meaning anywhere else...except deep in the heart of void....

...I never knew or studied about stuffs like spirituality...have a great respect for people who attained a lot in that field particularly...but am not sure of what they have actually attained...i have my own brand of spirituality....it's nothing more than the beyond theory....



.....i believe i have realised my spirit when i can feel empty ..yet so whole..in the midst of a heartless crowd...can go drowned in emotionlessness...when drummed up by some loved one....with sticks that hit hard....when i sit quite...unperturbed...vain...yet can appreciate my indifferent as an auspiciously sumptuous display of the void....

...whenever i think of my GOD...i see this void....all i try is to search for is that lite...somewhere there...void is something that's beyond the mundane...and what's GOD if not something within the beyond???[but it could be beyond the beyond too..in that case..it would imply a double void....am i confusing you??...if its so....just close your eyes...don't think of anything....what do you see(yes i know you can't see while closing your eyes)......but i still believe that you can see..and what you see is void!!!]

...a thought ....

Recently...a friend criticized me of duplicity....in my writings..[.you can call that hypocrisy...for i just used the safer term]....why??...because...my poetic self and my real self are divorced ...and flash contradictorily....Well...Well!!....criticism...i believe...is central to objective n corrective understanding...and so i went back...that i can come forth with better comprehension...


.......and what did i realize???

.......now...those of you who write and write seriously....think!!!...the poetic process is a complicated process that goes on ...inside you...to me...it's a two way process...about transmutation and transformation...{don't be mistaken to think that i am expounding some new theory...i am just couching known thoughts in the garb of my language,it's Eliotian...but then...even Eliot borrowed!!!}....TRANSMUTATION..of the self...it's thoughts,sensations in relations to the other into a reality richer[at least to the poet]than any other form of reality.....and TRANSFORMATION....of this transmuted subject into an object that transcends your immediateness and afford a connection with your richer self.NOW...HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME AND MY WORK TO BE THE ONE AND SAME??


......bESIDES...WHY DO YOU THINK THE POET IS HAPPIER[THOUGH NOT IN THE CONVENTIONAL SENSE OF THE TERM]THAN THE OTHERS AROUND HIM??

...Because...she leads two lives...one as she is ...as a social entity...another...as a poet...OUR GLOBE IS TOOOOO BIIG...SO..WE DECIDED TO HALF IT INTO NORTH AND SOUTH POLES...A PERSON WHO HAS REALIZED THE INTENSITY OF ONE'S BEING...NEEDS TO SEPARATE IDENTITIES ..SO AS TO HELP THEM FUNCTION PROPERLY...it's what you understand by specialization in Commercial terms....each self performing a specific function...a conglomeration..then..would lead to chaos...chaotic...devoid of creative potential....
...Ever thought why you can't see the sky as a whole??...obviously what a silly question!!!...if you have guts enough to go through my gibberish ideas...you have had sense enough to have it out quite early in life!!...why...and how dare..then..you stereotype a person..and brand some facets of his or her as conventional or different???....you are just viewing a part of the whole...and just because the sky's sunny here...doesn't mean it's cloudy nowhere!!!....An individual is a chasm so fissures are inevitable...but therein lies the potential...of forming deeper gorges...cutting new ravines...that which flows under unfathomable depths is as true as the scum on the apparently shallow surface....

IF MY VIEW OF LIFE and POETRY seems conventional and stereotypical to you....BINGOO!!!...you make a good observer...what i would like to ask is??....how different can difference be???.....how conventional is conventionality???...and we return back to the same precept....there's nothing as such...no demarcations....it's the superficiality of one's vision that allows one to see in those terms[mind you am talking about persons...so plzz don't raise unnecessary debates!!]I have just used my scavengingly parasitic skills to draw nutrition from each thinkable theory...and made a bitter tonic out of it to cure me of allegations....Individuality...one may feel...is something you possess after you have known what generality is..experienced it...in particular....as an individual....a "FARE FORWARD"....philosophy..is what follows...a philosophy....that I always find applicable...almost everywhere!!!

carried,uncared boundaries....
demarcating empty spaces...
of tubular experiences....
in the midst of a void...
all focusin into the centreless ...radiusless diameters....


unventured partnerships...
of disjointed stocks...
all fresh and geeky...
reeking with the blood of feud....
damages unfulfilled....
in a world of liabilities...
nothing is but an asset.


untempered studiousness of paperback...
better call them papermaches...
untampered texts of unrealized dreams...
in classrooms ...mechanical...
unoriented undiagonised desires....
lost in big amounts will be the faces ...
...that are now floating in seas of futile words...
only figures matter....
matter too is rendered futile.


what to see?
where to go?
can't one archaelogize the system???

...now...how do you see her??....is she the source of light in the darkness...or the cause of the shade behind her??